Monthly Archive: August 2020

Biden loses NAACP support after using black arm flex emoji

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That scalp massager feels so good because it is having intercourse with your hair follicles

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Bulgarian cheese must now be made using human breast milk, prompting locals to throw slices of cheeseless pizza at skyscraper windows, hoping change will one day come

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The glass shard diet is not a real diet and has thankfully not caught on yet

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You are not allowed to say fam unless you have at least one pair of shoes with yellow laces

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Penguin couple cancelled for only eating fish eyeballs

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It’s hard for most people to picture Buster Keaton having sex

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Earliest soccer ball included nub for attaching rope

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Low sodium stickers must now be added to bottles of purified water and unsalted potato chips thanks to bored elected officials

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Painted Giraffe Tower Wall Décor recalled for incorrect number of hooves

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Earliest Jesus Fish was used to stab Jesus’ fish

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It turns out MAGA was only about wicker furniture

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Man with Peyronie’s tried to measure length with pocket knife, but accidentally cut off mom’s head in a terribly tragic tale of someone lying about something

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A majority of knots are just glued on (try pulling on the knot part)

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“Feminine Hygiene Products should have been free since day 1, but didn’t exist until day 5734573895739573958, and will not be free until day 94328409284082774982749287447, which is a very upsetting number to see.” – Bernie Sanders

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How many kale chips does it take to satisfy craving full bag of Funyuns?

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Biden plans to fill potholes with slime on third day in office

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Tracking devices added to mail-in ballots to catch sabotagers

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Nancy Pelosi blamed her restless arm for punching Mike Pence’s neck

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Post-pandemic lotions will be less moisturizing due to ethyl alcohol

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